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Funny Stories



[ Condoms ] [ Daffynations ] [ How Many? ] [ How To Get Rid Of Jehovah Witnesses ]


Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
" One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Daffynations

  • Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall
  • Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage
  • Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with
  • Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate
  • Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  • Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living
  • Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist
  • Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does
  • Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
  • Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots
  • Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians
  • Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  • Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm
  • Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with
  • Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
  • Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring
  • Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife
  • Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six
  • Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does
  • Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
  • Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official

  • How many?

  • How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. "We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem."
  • How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
  • How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They try to fix the old one. "We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"
  • How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? "You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"
  • How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Seventy two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...
  • How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
  • How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

  • How to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses?

  • - A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of _The Watchtower_ scattered around...
  • - Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried off perfectly. The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the Witness will be: Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say 'Allah be Praised!!!' and just see what happens.
  • - Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to Witnesses. For extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car. Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the witness. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.
  • - A friend claims that when Jehovah's Witlesses knock on her door,her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address.It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!
  • - A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about God?" She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?".
  • - JW ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow. Interrupts SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you wouldn't do that. SIW: Thank you, but I already have a religion. JW: May I ask what it is? SIW: I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure if it's legal in this country. Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the stairs.
  • - I answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
  • - Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
  • - Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
  • - Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat. (2Kings, chapt.2, ummm... somewhere near the end)
  • - Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) and DO NOT come back.
  • - Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
  • - Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
  • - (males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
  • - Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
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